Many people overshare in dating out of anxiety and desire to build intimacy quickly or avoid silence. But this isn’t a healthy or sustainable way to meet new people.
It’s important to recognize the reasons you overshare and find a healthier way to connect. Here are some of the most common ones: 1. You’re Nervous.
1. You’re Nervous
It’s understandable that some situations make people nervous. Whether it’s the free-throw line in basketball, a big speech or an exam in history, most of us can agree that nerves lead to higher levels of stress and anxiety.
When your date starts telling you about their custody settlement, their recurring health issues or the weird rash that appeared on their kid’s feet last week, it might be because they are feeling particularly nervous. This is called “self-control depletion.” When you’re stressed, your ability to exercise self-control declines.
Some people overshare on dates because they want to seal the deal and feel that revealing intimate details early will help them build a deeper connection with you. This is a dangerous belief that can lead to compromising situations like bad-mouthing family members or bashing coworkers. It also leads to remorse when you realize that you shared too much too soon. Instead, try to focus on positive topics that can keep the conversation light and fun.
2. You’re Anxious
One of the biggest reasons that people overshare dates is because they’re anxious. They are worried about whether they are attractive enough, witty enough or entertaining enough and they think that sharing a lot of details will help them build intimacy quickly.
The problem is that they are often unaware of the fact that oversharing makes others uncomfortable. When they are talking about their divorce, their horrible boss or the weird rash that appeared on their skin, it can be awkward to hear how much information they’re divulging to what is still a stranger.
Identifying the reason why you overshare can help you address it. Trying to be more authentic by asking questions and listening carefully to the answers can help you break the habit of oversharing. It’s also a good idea to keep a log of your oversharing tendencies and figure out the root causes. It will take time to change a bad habit, but it can be worth it in the long run.
3. You Want to Seal the Deal
Men and women who overshare often do so to concretize a connection early on, believing that revealing their deepest secrets or emotional scars will build a stronger bond. Unfortunately, it can backfire by making your date feel overwhelmed and alienated.
It can also be a sign that they have poor boundaries, leading them to share intimate details before the relationship is ready. If you hear a person constantly discussing their messy divorce or work woes, it might be time to set some boundaries.
Brene Brown likens oversharing to a floodlight that’s “overbearing”—it blinds your date by overwhelming them with too much information. You need to be able to listen and respect their feelings, too.
Practicing self-compassion can help you break the oversharing habit. Try putting yourself in your date’s shoes and focusing on listening, not talking. Also, think about the topic you’re planning to discuss before your date arrives, and prepare some questions that will give you a chance to be more thoughtful with your sharing.
4. You’re Authentically Deep
Some people think that they are naturally “deep” and prefer to talk about serious or intense issues. They may feel that they are being authentic by doing so, but this can actually be an indication of a need for therapy. Oversharing can easily overwhelm someone on a date, so it’s best to stick with small talk until you get to know your dates better.
Oversharing can come in many forms, from blathering on about embarrassing details to recounting your entire family’s dirty laundry. Whether it’s a mistake or an attempt to rush intimacy, sharing too much can ruin even the most promising of dates. Learning to control your tendency to overshare will help you to build relationships with others that are more honest and authentic. While it may be difficult to curb your need to overshare, it is possible and can reap many rewards. Here are some tips for doing so. The more you practice, the easier it will become.